Author Topic: School Days of Old  (Read 3059 times)

Offline Commodore Horton

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School Days of Old
« on: April 04, 2010, 11:47:35 AM »
Greetings everyone, long time no see!

Well, first off with great sadness I must say that I have lost quite a bit of my insane dedication to that holiest of holies, Star Trek. Rest assured though, I am no pagan; and I will never be a fan of that despicable Star Wars thing.

 ;D

But I've diversified abit. I've been reading Heinlein and Clarke and Asimov and Bradbury...and I've decided that I want to be an author, and maybe make some money off of it.

Thus, I present to you this little piece of short fiction, "School Days of Old." Presently it's in the hands of the good folks at Asimov's Science Fiction magazine, where with any luck I'll probably get a rejection notice in two more weeks. But till then, enjoy and tell me your thoughts on it.
Nos Vadum Triumphus

Online Shik

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Re: School Days of Old
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2010, 01:10:14 PM »
Not bad. The use of vernacular can be jarring some, as it doesn't lend to a good flow of speech. On the whole, though, I'd say it's a fairly good short bit, & an interesting idea.

Offline Commodore Horton

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Re: School Days of Old
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2010, 02:15:28 PM »
Thanks Shik, I appreciate the commentary...anyone else, btw?
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Offline The Daft Punk

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Re: School Days of Old
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2010, 10:31:31 AM »
It's not bad, but it needs work. The intro is stop-start, and could use a lot of trimming. Your sentence structure is very choppy, and until you get into the rhtym of the girl's (?) monologue it's very rough. The monologue is okay, and I enjoyed the way you're slowly clued into how this is clearly a post-apocalyptic alt. universe. That said, it was ridiculously confusing. At first, I thought she was speaking to the class, but then suddenly they're on stage? That needs to me made clear, even if you're doing a whole "big reveal" thing.

As it stands, this is a fine first draft, but if you're serious about being a sci-fi (or hell, just any kind of) author, you're going to really need to work on your craft. This shows promise, but you're going to have to work awhile before it, or for that matter, anythign else, is publishable.
Harder.Better.Faster.Stronger
~~~~~~~~
"Until a man is 25, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial arts monastery in China and studied real hard for 10 years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad."
- "Snow Crash", Neal Stephenson

Offline Weerd1

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Re: School Days of Old
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2010, 05:49:04 PM »
Good Bradbury flavor to it, or maybe even some of the old John D. MacDonald SF before he started doing Travis McGee.  I agree with Daft Punk that the transition from "class" to "stage" is a little rough- you may wish to allude to the crowd earlier.  Lot of promise though, even worth fleshing out a bit more.
"You ARE fine without it!"

Offline Commodore Horton

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Re: School Days of Old
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2010, 06:51:57 PM »
It's not bad, but it needs work. The intro is stop-start, and could use a lot of trimming. Your sentence structure is very choppy, and until you get into the rhtym of the girl's (?) monologue it's very rough. The monologue is okay, and I enjoyed the way you're slowly clued into how this is clearly a post-apocalyptic alt. universe. That said, it was ridiculously confusing. At first, I thought she was speaking to the class, but then suddenly they're on stage? That needs to me made clear, even if you're doing a whole "big reveal" thing.

As it stands, this is a fine first draft, but if you're serious about being a sci-fi (or hell, just any kind of) author, you're going to really need to work on your craft. This shows promise, but you're going to have to work awhile before it, or for that matter, anythign else, is publishable.

Would you kindly highlight abit of the start-stop language? It flows off the tongue for me...I guess that's just how I talk.
And Weerd1...thanks for the compliment. Bradbury's one of my faves.
Nos Vadum Triumphus