Author Topic: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!  (Read 52256 times)

Offline CX

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Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« on: December 05, 2006, 03:15:18 PM »
Thought I's share some of my holiday favorites with you:

Quote
"Merry Fuckin' Christmas" - Denis Leary

Old Saint Nick's got Bourbon breath
It's so cold you could catch your death
A cop sold me some crystal meth
It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

Everything's so Criss-muss-ee
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on Santa's knee
It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night
To dream what Santa brings 'em
Unless they're Jewish or Muslim
Or some other gyp religion

Crappy toys flyin' off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in Hell
It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

Cracklin' fires to keep me warm
And my collection of Asian porn
Cradle my bells and work my horn
It's a keep-on-truckin'
Last-year-suckin'
Midget-chuckin'
Slap-the-puckin'
How-much-wood-could-a-woodchuck-chuckin'
Merrrry fuuuuckin' Christmaaaaaas

Quote
"Merry Fucking Christmas" - Mr. Garrison

I heard there is no Christmas,
In the silly Middle East.
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus.
They have different religious beliefs.

They believe in Muhammad,
And not in our holiday,
and so every December,
I go to the Middle East and say...

Hey there, mister Muslim!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Put down that book the Koran,
and here's some holiday wishes..
In case you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus' birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass,
And fuckin' celebrate.

There is no holiday season,
In India, I've heard.
They don't hang up their stockings,
And that is just absurd.

They never read a Christmas story.
They don't know what Rudolph is about.
And that is why every December,
I'll go to India and shout...

Hey there, mister Hinduist!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Drink eggnog and eat some beef,
And pass it to the missus..

In case you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus' birthday.
So get off your heathen Hindu ass,
And fuckin' celebrate.

Now I've heard that in Japan,
Everyone just lives in sin.
They pray to several gods,
And put needles in their skin.

On December 25th,
All they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan,
And walk around and say...

HEY THERE, mister Shintoist!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
God is gonna kick your ass,
You infidelic pagan scum!

In case you haven't noticed,
There's festive things to do.
So let's all rejoice for Jesus,
Merry Fuckin' Christmas, ta you.

On Christmas Day..
I travel around the world and say..
Daoists, Christians, Buddists,
and all you Atheists, too!
Merry Fuckin' Christma-aaaaas,
To yooo-oouuu!

Quote
"The Night Santa Went Crazy" - Weird Al Yankovic

Down in the workshop all the elves were making toys
For the good gentle girls and the good Gentle boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered WITH ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting the raw deal
Something finally must've snapped in his brain

Well the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
Then he picked up a flamethrower and he barbecued Blitzen
Then he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without stepping in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circling 'round in the sky
Now the bullets are flying the body count's rising
And everyone’s dying to know -oh Santa, why?
My, my, my, my, my, my - you used to be such a jolly guy.

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a Federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey little friend now, don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in seven hundred more years.

(Alternate verse used in concert)
Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
A guy from the SWAT team blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend, that's his brains on the floor
Guess you won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore

But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus she's on the phone every night
With a lawyer negotiating the movie rights

The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
sounds to me like he was kinda getting gypped

Wo, The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting the raw deal
Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Wo, Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Tell ya something finally must've snapped in his brain.


Quote
"I won't be Home for Christmas" - Blink 182

(Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la)
(Tis the season to be jolly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la)

Outside the carolers start to sing
I can't describe the joy they bring
Cause joy is something they don't bring me

My girlfriend is by my side
From the roof are hanging sickles of ice
Their whiny voices get irritating
It's Christmas time again

So I stand with a dead smile on my face
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste
Oh God I hate these Satan's helpers

And then I guess I must have snapped
Because I grabbed a baseball bat
And made them all run for shelter

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone.

Well I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve
Cause the cops came and arrested me
They had an unfair advantage

And even though the jail didn't have a tree
Christmas came a night early
Causes a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package (hot damn)

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone

I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas
"Black care rarely sits behind a rider whose pace is fast enough." - TR


Offline Tyburn

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2006, 03:25:07 PM »
You missed Kevin Bloody Wilson's two great Christmas songs - Santa Claus You C%@£ and Yo Ho F$@&in Ho - try and get hold of them, they're worth it ;) ;D
I'm getting to that stage in life where I want to find a nice little place, settle down and spend my declining days on my porch, shitting in my hand and throwing it at passing cars. Is that too much to ask?

Offline starhawk

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2006, 04:37:57 PM »
I have a flash movie of Merry F&^@ing Christmas, which I will be glad to share with anyone -- unfortunately it's about 3 megs which means I can't post it, nor can I upload it to imageshack (not that I could upload it there, even if it weren't so big, since the language isn't exactly G-rated). However, anyone who wants to pm me with their email address I will gladly give it to. As far as I can tell, the movie is not copyrighted, so I can't see that I'm violating anything. Also: the main character is an anthro wolf. If that bothers you, you don't have to watch ;) Not that I expect to hear anything nasty about that here.
:p

Offline evilsmileyface12

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2006, 05:11:20 PM »
I'll take it  :D
ESF-12

Offline Shik

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2006, 05:14:34 PM »

Offline Xero

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2006, 05:24:52 PM »
The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al, that's a funny ass song
"Well Steve, I think it's more like we both had this rich neighbor named Xerox and I broke into his house to steal the TV set and found out that you had already stolen it." - Bill Gate's response to Steve Jobs' accusation of theft.

Offline Greg

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2006, 05:44:29 PM »
You missed Kevin Bloody Wilson's two great Christmas songs - Santa Claus You C%@£ and Yo Ho F$@&in Ho - try and get hold of them, they're worth it ;) ;D

Don't forget "Santa's Stoned At Christmas", a personal favourite.

Offline Razor

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2006, 01:53:36 AM »
Thanks CX Ive been meaning to find those.  Kind of different but when I was a kid we had the Chipmunk's christmas album on LP and my sister would play ultra slow so it sounded like 3 normal monotone guys singing this boring song and some evil demon from the 13th level of hell where only date-rapists and republicans dwell would be screaming at them.
“The boat dipped and swayed and sometimes took on water, but it did not sink; the two brothers had waterproofed it well. I do not know where it finally fetched up, if it ever did; perhaps it reached the sea and sails there forever, like a magic boat in a fairytale. All I know is that it was still afloat and still running on the breast of the flood when it passed the incorporated town limits of Derry, Maine, and there it passes out of this tale forever.” ― Stephen King, It"
High priest in the Cult of J

Offline CX

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2007, 12:17:14 PM »
Well, it's that time of year again, so I thought I'd drag this back out to share these oldies but goldies with you. ;D

Quote
"Merry Fuckin' Christmas" - Denis Leary

Old Saint Nick's got Bourbon breath
It's so cold you could catch your death
A cop sold me some crystal meth
It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

Everything's so Criss-muss-ee
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on Santa's knee
It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night
To dream what Santa brings 'em
Unless they're Jewish or Muslim
Or some other gyp religion

Crappy toys flyin' off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in Hell
It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

Cracklin' fires to keep me warm
And my collection of Asian porn
Cradle my bells and work my horn
It's a keep-on-truckin'
Last-year-suckin'
Midget-chuckin'
Slap-the-puckin'
How-much-wood-could-a-woodchuck-chuckin'
Merrrry fuuuuckin' Christmaaaaaas

Quote
"Merry Fucking Christmas" - Mr. Garrison

I heard there is no Christmas,
In the silly Middle East.
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus.
They have different religious beliefs.

They believe in Muhammad,
And not in our holiday,
and so every December,
I go to the Middle East and say...

Hey there, mister Muslim!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Put down that book the Koran,
and here's some holiday wishes..
In case you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus' birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass,
And fuckin' celebrate.

There is no holiday season,
In India, I've heard.
They don't hang up their stockings,
And that is just absurd.

They never read a Christmas story.
They don't know what Rudolph is about.
And that is why every December,
I'll go to India and shout...

Hey there, mister Hinduist!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Drink eggnog and eat some beef,
And pass it to the missus..

In case you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus' birthday.
So get off your heathen Hindu ass,
And fuckin' celebrate.

Now I've heard that in Japan,
Everyone just lives in sin.
They pray to several gods,
And put needles in their skin.

On December 25th,
All they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan,
And walk around and say...

HEY THERE, mister Shintoist!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
God is gonna kick your ass,
You infidelic pagan scum!

In case you haven't noticed,
There's festive things to do.
So let's all rejoice for Jesus,
Merry Fuckin' Christmas, ta you.

On Christmas Day..
I travel around the world and say..
Daoists, Christians, Buddists,
and all you Atheists, too!
Merry Fuckin' Christma-aaaaas,
To yooo-oouuu!

Quote
"The Night Santa Went Crazy" - Weird Al Yankovic

Down in the workshop all the elves were making toys
For the good gentle girls and the good Gentle boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered WITH ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting the raw deal
Something finally must've snapped in his brain

Well the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
Then he picked up a flamethrower and he barbecued Blitzen
Then he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without stepping in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circling 'round in the sky
Now the bullets are flying the body count's rising
And everyone’s dying to know -oh Santa, why?
My, my, my, my, my, my - you used to be such a jolly guy.

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a Federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey little friend now, don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in seven hundred more years.

(Alternate verse used in concert)
Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
A guy from the SWAT team blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend, that's his brains on the floor
Guess you won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore

But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus she's on the phone every night
With a lawyer negotiating the movie rights

The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
sounds to me like he was kinda getting gypped

Wo, The night Santa went crazy
The night Saint Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting the raw deal
Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Wo, Something finally must've snapped in his brain
Tell ya something finally must've snapped in his brain.


Quote
"I won't be Home for Christmas" - Blink 182

(Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la)
(Tis the season to be jolly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la)

Outside the carolers start to sing
I can't describe the joy they bring
Cause joy is something they don't bring me

My girlfriend is by my side
From the roof are hanging sickles of ice
Their whiny voices get irritating
It's Christmas time again

So I stand with a dead smile on my face
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste
Oh God I hate these Satan's helpers

And then I guess I must have snapped
Because I grabbed a baseball bat
And made them all run for shelter

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone.

Well I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve
Cause the cops came and arrested me
They had an unfair advantage

And even though the jail didn't have a tree
Christmas came a night early
Causes a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package (hot damn)

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone

I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas

Hope everyone has a safe holiday season, and doesn't get forced into the ditch by some insane winter driver on icy roads, or beat up by some soccer mom for the last Tickle Me Elmo or whatever the frak is "in" this year. ;)
"Black care rarely sits behind a rider whose pace is fast enough." - TR


Offline Chemahkuu

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2007, 01:14:34 PM »
Why must you post these every damn year...

Offline Flagg

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2007, 01:46:56 PM »
Why must you post these every damn year...

He thinks it's funny, apparently.

Offline White Wolf

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2007, 02:34:57 PM »
Larry The Cableguy spreads his holiday cheer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXkSEcCwU8A



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDqu7kNX5zI


Quality is poor but viewable.






« Last Edit: December 01, 2007, 02:37:20 PM by White Wolf »
Human Nature. Without a common enemy , men will look for foes in the one place they can guarantee finding one: The Past. -Eoforth, Sigmar's right hand man,

A mind without a purpose will walk in dark places. - Gideon Ravenor, Inquisitor of the Imperium of Mankind.

Offline Stoo

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2007, 02:55:40 PM »
Bumping the thread is one thing, but repeating the same LOLARIOUS lyrics when we're still on the same page!?

Offline White Wolf

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #13 on: December 01, 2007, 02:59:56 PM »
I didn't want create another X-Mas thread. There was no need for it.
Human Nature. Without a common enemy , men will look for foes in the one place they can guarantee finding one: The Past. -Eoforth, Sigmar's right hand man,

A mind without a purpose will walk in dark places. - Gideon Ravenor, Inquisitor of the Imperium of Mankind.

Offline CX

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #14 on: December 01, 2007, 03:02:26 PM »
I didn't want create another X-Mas thread. There was no need for it.

Oh, stop whining and have a Merry Fuckin' Christmas already.
"Black care rarely sits behind a rider whose pace is fast enough." - TR


Offline White Wolf

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #15 on: December 01, 2007, 03:04:43 PM »
Only if you gimme a beautiful buxom babe under the tree, this year.  :P
Human Nature. Without a common enemy , men will look for foes in the one place they can guarantee finding one: The Past. -Eoforth, Sigmar's right hand man,

A mind without a purpose will walk in dark places. - Gideon Ravenor, Inquisitor of the Imperium of Mankind.

Offline Stoo

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #16 on: December 01, 2007, 03:22:45 PM »
I didn't want create another X-Mas thread. There was no need for it.

Wasn't talking about you d00d.

Someone rescue this thread with something amusing plz.

Offline Data007

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #17 on: December 01, 2007, 04:45:35 PM »
Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog.
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,
and she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas mornin,'
at the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa.
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(Send them back)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table.
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
that would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
(Sing it Grandpa)

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Merry Christmas

This one's always funny.
"Titans are the God-Machines of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Imagine a city. Now imagine that city is angry at you, can walk, and has continent leveling weapons aimed at you. And is inhabited by more things that hate you. You have a rough idea of a Titan."

"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied chains us all irrevocably." Judge Aaron Satie

New Haven Chronicles

Offline White Wolf

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #18 on: December 01, 2007, 04:55:24 PM »
Times are tough. Times are hard. So here's your fucking christmas card.

PS: That is an actual X-Mas card.  ;D
Human Nature. Without a common enemy , men will look for foes in the one place they can guarantee finding one: The Past. -Eoforth, Sigmar's right hand man,

A mind without a purpose will walk in dark places. - Gideon Ravenor, Inquisitor of the Imperium of Mankind.

Offline Bond, James Bond

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #19 on: December 01, 2007, 05:23:30 PM »
« Last Edit: December 01, 2007, 05:27:21 PM by Bond, James Bond »

Offline White Wolf

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #20 on: December 01, 2007, 06:24:35 PM »
LOL    What program did you use, Bond?
Human Nature. Without a common enemy , men will look for foes in the one place they can guarantee finding one: The Past. -Eoforth, Sigmar's right hand man,

A mind without a purpose will walk in dark places. - Gideon Ravenor, Inquisitor of the Imperium of Mankind.

Offline Flagg

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« Last Edit: December 01, 2007, 06:27:09 PM by Flagg »

Offline CX

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #22 on: December 01, 2007, 07:15:07 PM »
Damn, wished I'd seen that episode.  Would've made that imagination three-parter a little funnier too.
"Black care rarely sits behind a rider whose pace is fast enough." - TR


Offline CX

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"Black care rarely sits behind a rider whose pace is fast enough." - TR


Offline Cat-Nadian

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Re: Merry F*ckin' Christmas Everyone!
« Reply #24 on: December 06, 2007, 08:47:13 AM »